Eh, not a great way to come back.

I have alot of wishes. Some are somewhat self and others are for others. I don't know why people wish for happiness, but it sure means something if it's in people's desires. Happiness....I wish I could feel that feeling without putting a mask in my face and say with a smile, "HEYY!" I haven't felt so happy since I was in the arms of my....Grr. I hate saying or using the word ex because I still care about him. Him.....Gosh...It's hard to put the ex- in for him....He is just so special to me. His name gives my heart a dance when someone says it. Sometimes I wish it would go away, but it haunts me and somehow I don't want it to leave my presence. Brandon Antonelli. Whenever someone talks about him, I wish they could go on so I wouldn't be the only crazy one who thinks of him when I do something. But sometimes, I wonder if he ever thinks of me...I wonder if he ever reads my notes late LATE at night...I wonder if he even has them to begin with. I cry most of the day knowing that I miss him but mostly that I lost the most important person in my life. I always ask the stars to watch over him every night because I can't help it. I'm so young thinking about this, but when people tell me that there will be other guys out there, I always think, "Yes, I know that, but no one has that amazing smile...those dazzling eyes...that made me fall head over sneakers for him. I can strongly agree that. But I hurt him. His eyes turned black pitched, his smile cold that made me die inside for causing him so much pain. He moved away, away from the pain. And here I am stuck with it. There are times when I forget reality exists because all I ever dream about is for his arms to be around me. For me to hear his heartbeat, the lullaby I wish they had on Itunes...but when I wake up...it's painful to check on Facebook excited that he finally unblocked me. I would have my mind with a million questions to ask him. To see if he is okies, how is it there and has he made new friends, how is his loving family that I care for and how is Jenna, the doggie that I thought was my best friend. The memories hurt...but they were the happiest days of my life...the only truth in my life. I don't hug any guys anymore, they seem dull to me. Brandon's hugs were worth all the trouble in the end. His touch made me have shocks of pleasure that made me feel like dancing with him...I love him. Oh, I do so much. I wish he could believe me...I wish he would call me...or come at my doorsteps with his slanted charming smile of his. Honestly, I would be the happiest girl in the world if that happened. But...I don't think it will...and it makes me feel...stupid. My heart is dead...I wish I could erase the past of my mistakes...so I didn't have to hurt him. I wish I could break away. I'm a confused, heartbroken, tense, native teenager. And the rain and I still share that.